Niagara Newborn Photographer – The Let’s Talk Project – Rachel Limebeer Photography

Let’s Talk. We all know I usually keep it light and fun here at Rachel Brencur Photography, but sometimes I need to dive into something that isn’t so fun to talk about. Sometimes I am compelled by situations and events around me to step outside that comfortable little cave I have made for myself and do something.

It wasn’t until I became a mom that I realized that parenting is the hardest thing that I have ever done. It’s not the diaper changes or 3am feedings or dealing with the terrible two tantrums (My youngest throws the most epic tantrums you have ever seen). It is trying to be a parent in THIS society.

In the age of technology with the likes of Pinterest, Facebook or Instagram we have the benefit of being able to keep in touch with friends and family, and even complete strangers without ever having to leave the house. We can give updates about our lives and receive updates on others. Information is available at our fingertips, literally.

You would think with all this information and openness we have created amongst our lives, our children, our experiences… That talking about post partum mental health wouldn’t be taboo anymore.

Some of you perhaps just closed the webpage and won’t read beyond this. Others are likely wondering, “Where is she going with this?”, and are starting to get uncomfortable with where this may be headed. And some of you are likely nodding your head, as if to say “Yes!”, praying that this is going where you are hoping it’s going.

Everyone has heard of post partum depression (PPD). Everyone has heard of the “baby blues”. But did you know that post partum mental health (PPMH) stretches even further than that? Some Moms have post partum post traumatic stress disorder (PPPTSD). Or post partum anxiety (PPA). Or post partum psychosis (PPS), and so much more.

Did you know 85% of new parents will have some kind of post partum mood disturbance? Yes, parents. Plural. Even new Dads or Partners can have post partum depression/anxiety/etc… and 85% makes a majority of parents. 10-15% of new parents are formally diagnosed with PPD. This is something that is not uncommon. It is not chosen. I don’t know of one mom who has said “I hope after I have my baby I develop PPD.”. So my question is, “Why is it still such a taboo and uncomfortable subject for most people?”. Furthermore, because it’s such a difficult subject, how many parents have PPD or another post baby mental health issue but are too proud, embarrassed, or ashamed to seek out the medical help they need?

Parents to a new baby (whether your first or last), whether they just have baby blues, or a more serious mental condition are already mentally stressed. Your life has been flipped upside down, and now you have this tiny human demanding everything of you. Demanding your sleep, your food, your sanity… and instead of creating a society that is open, accepting, and comforting that would be able to support those with post partum mental health illnesses, we just further the feelings of helplessness. Shame. Embarrassment. Guilt. Insecurities. Alonelessness, and more. We have the power through social media to make a photo of a blue/black or gold/silver dress go viral in a matter of hours, but we can’t promote an accepting society of mental health?  Something is wrong here!

While researching for this blog, I noticed 2 things. First, it was quite difficult to find information on post partum mental health. Secondly, It is clear that there hasn’t been a lot of research put into it. A lot of the information is old. It’s very sparse without a lot of details that basically falls back on “go talk to your doctor”. To complicate things, the information given is stark and factual. It is not kind, sympathetic, or encouraging; it’s not letting those who are seeking information because they may be living with PPD feel that they are not alone. It is common, and there are things that can be done to help them. Most didn’t mention support groups, or anything of that nature to help parents who may not have PPD, but may be struggling mentally to handle the new challenges they face. And for those parents who are struggling and scared to see a medical professional, sometimes those support groups can offer the support and encouragement to make that step to seek medical help. I even searched Facebook and had a very difficult time finding one.

I am very open about my post partum days. I am not a perfect parent. And I don’t pretend to be. I post my daily accomplishments… but also my daily fails. Because I don’t want to promote that I am “that perfect parent”. I want others to know when they are having a tough time that they are not alone. There are others that struggle. It is not all Pinterest and unicorns and sparkly stars all day. I want to show that when you are on that final thread of patience that is stopping you from banging your head into the wall repeatedly and your toddler comes up to you wearing no pants with dirty hands and you get to play the “chocolate or poop” game, that it is okay to cave and give your head one good whack into the wall (literally)!  Or, if you are sitting up in your nursery with your newborn baby rocking them back and forth and both of you are sobbing because at 3 in the morning you can’t figure out what your new baby needs and you feel like a failure like I did, that it’s okay, and someone else has been through it and made it to the other side alive… and relatively sane.

It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to ask for help, to seek medical help. It’s okay to TALK ABOUT IT. The only way we are going to change this stigma around mental health, or post partum mental health is to talk about it. To make it the new normal. To make it mainstream. Don’t be afraid to share your story or talk about it, because it may make someone else uncomfortable. Don’t think that any mental illness makes you less of a person. Weak. A failure. Disappointing. Ashamed. It doesn’t. It’s seeing a friend I’ve grown to care and love for, struggle with post partum mental health for a year, who said to me when I asked how she was, “It’s finally getting better”, to make me realize the culture we have created. I had no idea that she was still struggling. I could have helped. I would have been willing to help. But we’ve created a culture where we aren’t to admit our flaws. And we distinguish PPD as a flaw in society.

A few weeks ago I was scared. When I posted the model call and I sent out the information to those 50+ moms who were interested about what I wanted to do, I was terrified. It’s a hard subject. It’s an uncomfortable subject for most. I was afraid no-one would be interested. I was afraid I would lose clients over it. I was afraid for a number of other reasons, but to my surprise, I had almost 50 people email me back begging to be a part of this project. 50. five oh. I was hoping for 3-5 moms I may have to track down over a few weeks. Now, I had 50 to choose from. I read EVERY story. And most of them made me cry (This is your warning to grab the kleenex). The heartbreak some moms had. The experiences they have gone through, and the things that have been said are heartbreaking. Yet they all had one thing in common. They needed to talk about it. They all felt the stigma, and they wanted their stories heard. They wanted to make sure that other moms that have or will in the future experience similar feelings or illnesses can feel confident to get help.  That they can know they are not alone and it’s okay to talk about it and get that support. I am going to share some of their stories with you all in hopes that you will read them. You will sympathize with them. You will help empower not just them, but all parents.  And know that if you see a new parent, or any parent that seems to be struggling, it’s okay to let them talk. Because most times, just talking about it with a listening ear can be so incredibly healing. We, as a society, are taking that coping and healing technique away from these parents that so badly need it. And it’s time for that to change.

Meet Sarah.

“I have had my struggles through the past year of being a new mom from breastfeeding to learning how to have a baby and a romantic relationship with my husband. From trying to be the perfect housewife to mother and comparing everything I was doing to all the mothers around me. The latest and hardest struggle is sleep training, and the saddest part is I hate even writing it because my first thought is don’t talk about it, and I wonder how many other women struggle everyday with that same thought.”

Sarah’s most recent struggle has been with sleep training. She made the difficult choice and there have been nights where she cried along with him. It’s affected her freedom to go out past bedtimes, and has incurred judgement from others who tell her “It just breaks my heart hearing him cry I just want to pick him up” so she’s spent time second guessing herself. Asking herself if she’s doing the right thing. Thinking everyone is judging her and thinking she’s a bad mom.

Meet Lindsey.

“My daughters birth was very traumatic for me. I didn’t feel that instant bond or even cry tears of joy like everyone tells you will happen. It could have been the combination of medications in my system, or it could be the fact that I didn’t get to hold her until almost an hour after she was born. I felt so guilty for that.

I was terrified. I had no clue what to do for a baby. I didn’t sleep for more than a few minutes at a time because if she made a noise I was up. If she was quiet I was up. And I remember feeling like a trapped prisoner in my own bedroom trying to figure out how to feed my baby because of the house full of company for 3 weeks. Luckily Brooklyn was a good baby once breastfeeding was established. She was content, slept well, and once we were sorted out breastfeeding she became a champ.

My son on the other hand, his birth was 4 hours total and completely natural. An epitome of an easy birth story. I cried,  I felt the bond… Something that makes me feel guilty that I didn’t with Brooklyn instantly. Then came the pediatrician,  she checked Noah out – and because of a few small details, suspected he may have had down syndrome. The morning came and the testing began. That’s when it all hit me like a tonne of bricks,  I cried and cried and when Ryan was around I tried to be strong. I cried because I was so scared for my perfect baby boy, and because I wasn’t sure I could be the kind of mom who could handle such a situation. I cried for Brooklyn and the impact it would have on her. I cried for my job (which I love) and our new home and hopes and dreams that we may have to give up if the results came back positive – and I felt guilty that I felt those things and I cried about that.  Then our nurse came in on the morning of our discharge with the pediatrician and we finally got some answers,  although he did have some kidney abnormalities and a small hole in his heart (which is common and most likely won’t need any intervention) he was a perfectly healthy baby boy and we had no worries about any of the trisomys. I was so relieved. Noah is the exact opposite of Brooklyn as a baby. He is my fussy little man,  he’s colicky and cries a good majority of most days but when he’s not crying he’s so smiley. Most days are easy for me this round, maybe it was the early scare in the hospital that make me put it all in perspective? Or maybe it’s the thought looming over me that he may be the last baby I get to carry.

Meet Michelle.

“Over the last 8 months, my husband has continuously suggested, almost weekly that I have post partum. It is something that I’ve talked to my doctor about alot and we both feel that I don’t, that it’s just I am a very emotional person and that my experiences with Audrey whether good or bad draw out extreme emotion. But the weekly questioning of my husband has been something that has hurt my feelings, has made me feel like my emotions are out of control, like I’m crazy at times, which can cause a strain on our marriage because it creates tension and resentment. I love Audrey, I love being her mom, I love her smiles, her giggles, watching her grow and learn but through it all I’ve sat on the floor of my bathroom crying because I can’t settle her. I cry because I’m scared of the what if’s her life may bring. I cry because she is growing too fast, or I’m putting clothes away that don’t fit anymore, or I’m scared of being a bad mom, or  I feel like I’m failing when I’m so tired and all I can think is someone please help. I cry because the daily household chores can be too much to keep up with, because I don’t fit in my clothes and I don’t know who’s body I’m looking at anymore – and I cry because I know how great my mom was at it all and I don’t feel like I’ll ever live up to her example.

 With so much emotion and overwhelming feelings already when the time came to handle Audreys cranial issues I had a complete breakdown. Over the last couple months we had to adjust to Audrey wearing a helmet for cranial readjustment. I battled then with a whole other set of emotions- how could we handle having to force our sweet child to wear a head brace, how would she ever sleep, how would I ever sleep,  how do you manage criticsm and stares of strangers when you go out to do your daily tasks, and why was I so worried about what others thought but my major struggle with it was blaming myself for it.

My delivery was difficult the doctor had to use forceps to get her out. These are the main contributing factors that caused her to have to go through treatment in the first place. I felt like I failed my child. I was heart broken, I cried alot, I felt alone and I felt ashamed of myself that I couldn’t deliver her in a way that could have saved her from having to go through this. It took alot of strength in me to push that feeling away and know that we were doing the right thing for her, she has been a super trooper through it all and she gave me strength that I didn’t know I even had.”

Meet Jodi.

 “I often get so many comments from moms about how I’m super woman and how do I find time to go on so many adventures and do so many crafts with my toddler with a newborn. It actually started to really erk me and I felt myself having to give explanations. It’s just when I’m exhausted beyond belief and at my lowest moments; when my kids and myself are in a mess of tears I don’t feel like taking a photo for Instagram, which then creates a disillusion of a perfect life set in a little square on social media which is so far from reality and only makes other moms feel like they don’t match up.

I can honestly say that the newborn stage of Joshua’s life was pretty much blissful… almost. With my first son, in the first few months I felt like I was failing him more often than not. I assumed since he was my own baby everything would come natural to me. I questioned everything I did and felt like I was failing at this whole mothering thing; a very hard pill to swallow since my biggest aspiration in life was always to be a wife and mommy. This second time around things have come so much easier. My hormones are much less crazy and I’m much more confident in my mommy skills and have loved everything about the newborn stage. I have been a little spoiled as he starting sleeping through the night since he was a few weeks old. He cries less than 5 minutes a day and everything was perfect in baby land until about 2.5 months hit. He decided that napping is overrated and now refuses to nap more then 20 minutes at a time unless I’m laying with him and nurses every 20 minutes throughout his nap. I now spend about 5 hours of my day shhhing, rocking, singing and willing my baby boy to sleep. From 1-5pm everyday is my worst nightmare with having a 2 year old who is just on the cusp of not wanting to nap anymore and a young baby that needs me to lay down with him and nurse him in order to sleep. Prior to having 2 kids I was the mom that rarely let my son watch tv and only fed him a sugar free diet, after nap time was usually spent doing crafts and activities together. Now I spend my afternoons running back in forth between plopping my 2 year old in front of the tv and throwing a snack at him as I run back up to my room to lay down with my baby. As I’m laying down nursing and “pretending to sleep”, every possible scenerio runs through my head of the things my toddler could be getting into and mommy guilt is building up huge. After my little guy falls back asleep I have about 10 minutes with my toddler until my baby realizes I’m no longer laying with him, wakes up and whines for me to come back. I then have to try to cook and get dinner on the table for my family, but I’m lucky if I get to chop an onion before somebody needs me again. As if that wasn’t bad enough we are now battling the 4 month sleep regression on top of it all.

“While Cal has been a relatively easy baby, there are those days when my emotions get the best of me and I find myself frustrated and upset with the fact that I no longer have 100% control over my day or the behaviour of my little one. Whether it’s during diaper changes, or trying to get him to sit still for photos I try to take for his memory book, or attempting to make the best use of the 2hrs he naps (which often go by and I find myself no further ahead when he finally wakes). For the first time in my life, I’m SO far behind in laundry, my house is disgusting (by my standards) and I can never get dinner ready before 9pm…and these days it usually ends up being a frozen pizza and a salad kit or a bowl of cereal because I don’t have the energy or time to create a beautiful meal for my husband upon his arrival home from work. Thank God for my husband though.

  I am currently struggling with going back to work though. I am a supply teacher and I’ve had a year off but I’m not emotionally ready to give up my days with Cal. I’m not ready to get my head back in the game and shape the minds of someone else’s kids when I could be at home molding my own son’s mind. I’m not ready to apply for long-term teaching jobs and spend my nights planning, marking, and preparing for the school days ahead. It makes me feel anxious and nauseous. But when I tell people it’s almost time for me to go back to work, they all say “Good for you!” That’s not what I want to hear. Is this what everyone expects of me? What if I chose not to go back to work? Will people think I’m weak or just lazy because I’d rather stay home? How do other parents balance parenthood, jobs, family, home life, a clean house, etc??? I often worry about this as I lay awake at night
listening hard for Cal’s breathing over the monitor; because another thing I worry about is losing my son to tragedy or illness.
I have this burning fear that I cannot protect him from everyone and everything and it eats me up inside. I can’t sleep at night; my mom brain won’t turn off.

That being said,  this new job-title I have as a mom is the greatest job I have ever experienced. I wouldn’t give it up because the love I have for my darling boy is stronger than any love I’ve ever felt before,  and that alone trumps anything else I’m feeling.”

As I approached and went over my due date I was terrified. I worried about the possibility of csection, something going wrong with me or the baby during delivery, not being able to cope with the pain, etc. These fears intensified when I learned I would have to be induced.

From there, some of my biggest fears became a reality.  I experienced 30 hours of back labour.  I tried to push Avery out for nearly 2 hours before the doctor realized it was no use due to her position and so he grabbed the forceps.  I was terrified.  I have never felt that kind of pain.  A few minutes later Avery was born.  I felt pure joy when she was placed on my chest for the first time.  15 minutes later, unfortunately, I had to pass her to the nurse because of complications I was experiencing post partum. Later that night I started haemorrhaging and then passed out.  Luckily I was okay but I was so scared.  That night I could not relax enough to sleep. I was traumatized.

The next day I learned that I would need a blood transfusion because I lost so much blood during delivery.  In fact, I lost so much blood that my milk did not even come in so I couldn’t breastfeed. It was very upsetting.  I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days and I didn’t sleep at all during that time.

When I got home, sleep didn’t improve for me and I was an emotional zombie.  Two days after being home I noticed I was not healing properly. I went to emerg and I was told, that I would have to wait 5 weeks to get a proper diagnosis. I spent those 5 weeks googling anything and everything related to post partum healing. I was given a variety of sedatives and sleeping pills; however, the most sleep I could ever get was 5 hours.  I just couldn’t relax.

At my 5 week checkup, I was told that everything was fine. I healed properly and there was nothing to worry about. I was so grateful.  I went home and lived life normally for a couple weeks.

Then, one night, all of a sudden, I didn’t fall asleep. I was worried about when Avery was going to wake up and how I would care for her on so little or no sleep. Then it happened again the next night, and again the following night. I was an emotional basket case.  How was I going to take care of a newborn on NO SLEEP? I know new moms are tired, but this was so beyond the typical sleep deprivation experienced by most. My husband offered and began to take care of Avery in the night so that I didn’t have to worry about when she was going to wake up and how I was going to care for her. This helped a little, but I felt so guilty for not being there for her and for him having to do so much and go to work the next day.

Next I referred myself to the Women’s Health Concerns Clinic at St. Joes. This was the BEST decision I could have ever made. I was diagnosed with acute stress disorder as a result of my experience with the traumatic delivery.  I was told I have post partum anxiety and I am currently taking meds for this and I’m in the middle of therapy.  Things have been going so much better for the past two months and I couldn’t be more grateful for the supports around me.

I want new moms to know that they are going to be okay. They will heal. Things will get easier.”

Meet Emily.

“My son was born in May 2014 and I still live with Post Partum PTSD. I have to work constantly to be in control of my own life and be the best mother I can for my kids. Every single day I fight with this. Nearly two years later and there are still days that I will sit by myself and cry. I have triggers that I have learned to manage on my own, but not without professional help. His first three months I was dealing with the trauma from his birth, exclusively pumping because he refused to latch (Likely due to his birth trauma and then our nearly 20 hours in different hospitals) and my own issues from his birth. Jonathan’s birth trauma wasn’t from poor medical care. His labour was induced due to extremely high blood pressure and I was required to get an epidural to help with my blood pressure, I wanted a natural birth. After my 36 hour labour and 3 1/2 hours pushing he was born, blue. Not breathing and no heart beat. He was transferred to the McMaster NICU while I stayed at west lincoln. The first 6 months I was on autopilot and missed out on quite a bit and I still have a lot of guilt from this. Around 6 months I hit what I would consider rock bottom. It was the darkest time of my life. I realized that what I was dealing with and experiencing wasn’t normal and it wasn’t ok. This is when the people closest to me also realized I wasn’t ok.

Fast forward to December 2015 and I welcomed my beautiful daughter into the world. Peacefully, at home, where I was most comfortable and not afraid of what was happening. After my sons birth I knew I couldn’t be in a hospital again. Every time I thought about her being born I would cry. I knew I had to break this cycle for myself, somehow. I’ve heard of so many people who had experienced some sort of trauma and then had a healing birth following. I was hoping for a magic solution. I was asked at my 6 week discharge appointment if her birth was healing for me. It wasn’t. Her birth has restored my belief in my body. I believe my body is strong and I believe that it is capable. But it didn’t heal me from the trauma, I don’t think anything ever can. But I needed to be able to believe in my body again.

While our journey has been anything but ideal, it’s our story. Both of my children are worth every second of what we’ve endured. I can’t say I wouldn’t go back and change it if I could, because honestly, I would (what parent wouldn’t wish they could have given their child a better start at life?) But it’s made me a stronger mother. It’s shown me the power of a mothers love. You do what you need to do to get through it, and you do get through it. ”

Meet Lauryn.

“I knew conceiving wouldn’t happen right away, but I had no idea it would take 18 months. During that 18 months we experienced what they call a missed miscarriage. Going through the miscarriage was something that changed me forever. It was torture finally getting pregnant then my body rejecting it 11 weeks later. It broke my heart and left me with a hole. We were both grieving but decided to keep trying as soon as we could.

My labour and delivery is something that I am still grieving and dealing with. Since I was with midwives you can assume I wanted a natural drug free delivery. I was excited to experience labour and then have skin to skin. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned when I went into labour. Brad and I went to the midwives clinic so they could check me. I was now 5cm and she told us to head to the hospital and she would meet us there.

 

 

“Ever since I was a little girl I pictured myself as a mommy. I have been with my husband since I was 14, and we married 2.5 years ago and have shared a great love for each other. We loved our time together we were both kind of selfish in our need for time with eachother. When the idea of a baby came up well let’s just say it wasn’t all a happy bliss. I had a hidden fear we would have problems conceiving. The day I found out I was pregnant we had gotten in a big fight that morning about how I pressured him into having a baby ( which was totally not the case but with all the crazy emotions and changes it may bring its safe to say he had a minor freak out) well later that night sure enough we were pregnant! Well then totally different emotions came! Hopes, dreams, names, happiness, fear, joy, obsession, hype, love and so much more!

We chose not to find out the gender, which was the greatest surprise! Labour and delivery was not what I had planned which started with sky high blood pressure, being induced, labour not progressing, contractions completely stopping, then a higher dose to start things again, then a really long labour with no progression again. I never dialated past 4 cm, after 18 hours and thanks to a great doctor, a c-section it was and a painful scary, traumatic one at that. I barely remember those first moments and my first look at our sweet sweet baby boy because of all the medication in my body! Hubby got skin on skin first which breaks my heart just a little bit, those were suppose to be my first moments. Motherhood is crazy, motherhood is emotional, motherhood is fun, motherhood is something I knew I always wanted and I finally have it.

This is actually something that has been on my heart lately. I’m one of those social media crazy people that has to post the perfect picture, and lately I have been hearing how, it can’t possible to be difficult he’s always happy and the best baby. Well yes he is a good baby and mostly we have had a fun experience, we still are challenged just as any other parents, and I’m sick of the assumption that it’s been “easy” because that is not the case.”

Madelyn was an easy baby but after commuting to Burlington to work ridiculously long shifts, sometimes 7 days a week, I was feeling a bit out of place at home with no laptop or blackberry; adjusting to life as a new mom.  A few months later, I started to feel really tired and unmotivated.  I also started to lose my milk (I was breastfeeding) and I got a prescription to help with milk production.  When I still wasn’t feeling right, I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive.  Because I hadn’t had a period yet since Madelyn was born, my doctor sent me for a dating ultrasound.  The ultrasound technologist was shocked when she put the probe on my belly to see that there wasn’t a tiny, little embryo on the screen… there was a baby!  I was 16 weeks pregnant!  Cole was born almost exactly 11 months after his sister.  I spent a second (unpaid maternity leave) year off which had its fair share of stress on our marriage, family and finances but we got through it.  Then I went back to work as the commuter mama and career woman in the house.  This was a really difficult adjustment for me. Only seeing my kids for dinner and bedtime every day, missing them all the time and also being so tired and stressed from work by the time I had an opportunity to play with them at the end of the day.

A year and a half after I returned to work, I was pregnant with our third baby, Oliver.  Being pregnant with 2 toddlers at home and commuting to work was difficult and exhausting.  However, his birth was the easiest birth to recover from out of the three.  I seemed to be physically “fine” afterwards.  I got to go home after just 2 nights for the first time in 3 deliveries, my belly seemed to disappear quicker than ever and I was happy and felt great!  A couple of months later I started to struggle and get tired, anxious, easily irritated, forgetful and overwhelmed.  I thought I was just having a hard time adjusting to broken sleep again while struggling to find balance with 3 small children and quality time for each of them.  I thought it was because I was never alone or that my house was messy and the laundry was piling up or because it was Christmas time.

When Christmas came and I felt myself absentmindedly ‘going through the motions’ as my kids opened their gifts and noticed that I was pulling away from them while not really feeling connected to anyone or anything, I quietly got concerned. I tried essential oils, exercise, eating clean, herbal teas, etc.  Nothing worked.  It got worse.  I would try to convince myself that I was doing better but it was always short-lived. A family friend who had PPD wisely told me “Don’t waste your year off trying to feel normal.  You shouldn’t have to try.”  These words resonated with me.  That’s exactly what I was doing: TRYING to feel normal.  I was trying so damn hard but still couldn’t manage to shake this darkness or feel like ME. When I started to spend every night wide awake, nauseous with fear and anxiety, only to struggle to get out of bed a little more each morning in order to face another day of dark thoughts creeping into my mind, I knew I needed help.  I went to my doctor and after doing some questionnaires and an assessment, I was officially diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.   It was a difficult diagnosis to handle but relieving at the same time because now I could be treated and recover.  I’ve been put on medication which has already helped tremendously. I feel like I have lost the past 3 months of my life and only now that I am starting to see things clearly, do I realize just how much I was quietly suffering.”

When I was 11 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend didn’t come home one night and the next morning told me he wasn’t coming back.  This was the day before my first ultrasound.  I’ve never experienced heart ache before so with the pregnancy hormones and the fears I already had about everything, it all really hit me hard.   I struggled throughout my entire pregnancy while doing my best to maintain a positive appearance to those around me.   Only a few people knew how truly broken and devastated I was.  I was happy I was going to be a mother but so terrified of having to do it on my own. I struggled with seeing my friends who were pregnant in happy relationships and wishing I had that. I struggled with the assumption of people who didn’t know me asking about my “husband” or “partner”. Often times I would just pretend I was in a relationship and go along with the conversation because I was so embarrassed to say I was single.

After Jayden was born I was surrounded by supportive family and friends (especially my mother and my father) but I still felt extremely overwhelmed and I wasn’t over the heartbreak. I felt robbed of a lot of experiences as a first time mom.  I really wanted someone with me everyday experiencing it with me. I’ve definitely had moments where I thought that this wasn’t supposed to be this way and I’ve even made the mistake of saying I wish it wasn’t this way.  I regret saying those things but in the moment, when I was overwhelmed I said them.   I wouldn’t change anything now.  I love Jayden so much. It’s not easy but no one said it would be.  I accepted the fact that I am a single mom and I am proud of what I have accomplished. I don’t like the term single mom because I think it has a negative stereotype associated with it which I don’t fit into. I’m not in a relationship but that doesn’t have any effect on the type of mother I am.   I strive to be the best mother to Jayden and I am proud of the mother I am.  I have to be both his mother and his father which is a lot on my shoulders but it’s so worth it. With every stage, there is an adjustment and a struggle.I’m glad you’re doing this project.  I think the feed your baby project helped me a lot to accept my situation and reading the other stories helped me feel more connected and not so alone in my own struggles.  This message is so important so all mothers know that it’s ok to not always be happy and enthusiastic about being a mother and it is ok to admit that it’s really really hard.”